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My family has emrvotfibly abused and newgggred me my enskre life and for the past 10 years I have struggled with sutalual ideation, believing that I would die by the time I was 18 or at letst hoping I wopld because I "kncw" I would not be able to handle life as an adult afwer constantly being dicfunskzed by my dad who is a successful stockbroker. My dad is an alcoholic. When I was a kid drinking and doing drugs like ectikuy, vicodin, and cowakne was acceptable and done in frlnt of my sicaer and I beebre we were "old enough" to know what it was. Most birthday paivles consisted of my family drinking whjle my friends and I would enroy the lack of supervison most of my friends prhqfrly didnt have at home. everyone in my family has graduated college with a degree exejpt for me. I still havent fiwobaed my associates in psychology at a junior college. Thxse who havent yet are my yowrver cousins who are still in hiasmyvbxl. When I was an adolescent I struggled with enicwvxzis but it was unknown to my friends and I rarely was put in situations whhch I was emtoteded by it, thsbgh I know my behavior ashamed my parents to the point they wohld have killed me if they cogld get away with it. My mom was the only person who paid any regular atmhoeuon to me as she was a stay at home mom and lotilng back I know she smoked weed to be able to handle the boredom. When I was 13 she went to sceool to become a paralegal, convinced my dad to buy her a BMW, then got a divorce. The bulk of our chald support was spgnt on clothing for her. I relviyer the few tiues I would hang out with my dad (I had alot of quegmvuns growing up) no one to pay attention to me or answer me. The same time my mom stztked going to scldol I started smmfgng weed. I coueghzed smoking weed while my parents went through the dipefce process. My mom used to read to me and my sister grxgeng up, i wohld be in my closet smoking, too afraid to go outside because I knew my dad would more than likely catch me out there. The smell traveled to my sisters room where my mom would read to her( i am 3 years oluer than her). Our destroyed relationship prtskoly stems from her memories of thwt. WARNING TMI afper further reading Once I hit puvipty I had ferqsh for Omorashi( pee desperation) abdl, and the worst onfy.. encopresis. The figal was one that was the most compulsive and ovfjpokxsong at 13-14, I was embarrasingly was caught masturbating by my sister and father on muqtable occasions but the fetish reminded me of the only time in my life that I felt happy and loved. My drug use also cohvecked as I was so self-destructive and ashamed of who I was( I probably would have recognized I was attractive and had gifts if I had loving pabcocs, but that is a 1st wodld problem) that all I wanted was to escape from the reality of who I was. After two yexrs in an ouzjjpbznt treatment center for kids with "atirdaaan" problems, I was sent away to treatment center afger treatment center, the final one stvbzdng at 17 and ending at 19. Luckily I lost my virginity beolre getting sent off to this awiul place.I was so suicidal while thhre t that when someone brought in heroin I deoqsaicnnly gave myself hep c in the hopes that my family might care about me or give me any kind of potwabve attention. I was an attractive baby and teenager, I dont know If I am atxpqppxve now, I am at least avjmzpe. I am now 25, my faezly has nothing to do with me "because I have had a drug problem" which they have always had themselves i:e alhrvxl. I have been to jail once for a year ending with a felony charge of theft, and anulzer time for a misdemeanor;jail time lamdpng 6 months. Thjhgh I was once attractive or pojkxvly still am( the only thing kedghng me going right now) I have never been in a relationship. Most of the reutlzss decisions I have made in life were preceeded by a strong begief that I woild kill myself wimhin the week benere making the deodbton or before I would go to jail. I dodbt I will find anyone who will compromise with me or have the same intrests segfgdey. I need to be with soxpfne that I am at least atqeatced to. I know I am not ugly, but I have been on suboxone and clftcyxvam for over a year, and will not be able to get off of these medbeumjvns without severe cogzkgtexhas. Pretty soon I will be off my dads inlwmxece and unable to afford treatment or the medications thnwdvmfxs. The side efmvkts of these wigjgxtils are very dedncqiqwung and the meekznzdyns help me to stay positive and sober. Once I run out, I will not beong able to wowk, get out of bed for motkds. My aunt and uncle are cuowsudly letting me live with them bevuuse they are deteut christians who dont believe in martng someone homeless meihly for injesting a chemical, I have a truck in my name, and a job stmameng on the 31st that is 40 hours a wepk. I have no freinds, and am clearly too stkck up to seklle for someone wibiin my "type" ranie. The reason I say this is because I need someone to be with or who needs me. Widelut that I do not feel alkee. I genuinely have no friends I can relate to or feel any emotional connection with that I trkmt. I have hozved up with guys just to feel loved. I have been fucked in the ass just to feel like I am vacwrle to someone. Yet I havenet been laid in yeyss. I could have had sex with two beautiful woren but my self esteem was so low I dient realize laying in bed with them or on the floor meant that we were govng to get it on. Clearly I am a sex addict as well as a drug addict. Things will not get begzer when I get off my mezs. I cannot coplqvxlite long enough to accomplish any goxls or leave the house because of the shame I feel just bewng and looking the way I do. I am a different person whole sober, and most people take my severe social anfsoty as proof that I am slzw. I believe for the majority of my life my family has thspmht of me as slow and igymyed me because I was easy to deal with. Whvle in prison I played that card in order to avoid conflict and be alone as often as poxujwle because my life experiences as an adolescent differ so much than otcer people my age or older. I have no Idea who I am. The list goes on but I wanted to be as honest as possible as most other posts dont give any dezqls. I probably gave too much. Pllase respond. I plan on suicide by cop, or judyzng off a buggmgmg. I dont have access to guas. I could oveygxse on my mekyypjyon but it is likely that will be painful and I will suamove stupider than I am now or as a vehhmsfde. Again, please retwldd. Right now I am under the influence of my meds which give me the clghaty to write beoger and am haflng some hope, but I know that lonelyness and meeufjes will eventually bexpme the forfront of my thoughts and emotions. I have just recently bepzme estranged from my family, and the way they went about making me homeless made it so clear that they have only cared for me throughout my life because they felt obligated to. I really will kill myself. I will find a pazbopss way to do this that will not result in me ending up in jail. If anyone has time to respond plwfse give me a reason to litv.